10 October 2013



Five years ago my father tore me open, and every night since then, he continues to open me up. I am thirteen, an only child. My mother is dead; I have no friends and no relatives that I am allowed to see. This is the life I have been given and I’ve grown into it. I will not avenge myself. I do not know how to, nobody cares anyway, even me. I stopped caring sometime along the way. It’s a fucked up life, but I live it. Hope is something strange, joy…I have no memories of it. I do not make wishes, I do not pray. I simply float. When will I stop living anyway? Tonight when he comes again?
I do not understand why people can be so wicked; why they will not mind their own business instead of hurting others with their words when they know there is nothing good to say. You think you are better than me; holier than me? Just because your own mother didn’t give you to your father to satisfy his sexual pleasures like mine did, because you’ve got friends and I’ve got none,…that doesn’t make you better. Let me ask you, what do you do when you find out that before you were born, your parents had an agreement that should you come as a girl child, you would be given to your father to satisfy his craving for little girls, that you wouldn’t be allowed to go to high school because you’d learn and rebel against them? Let me give you a new line of thought. What do you do when you discover the man you call father is willing to let his friends have a go at you because they asked; when the world sees you as ‘something’ and not ‘someone’, what do you do?

You sit down and judge me; judge my story. You sit and talk about life and the many things that are wrong. But you are contributing to it. When you insult people who are trying to share their stories on the net hoping to have listening ears and arms receive them, you kill them. Those who commit suicide are not the ones who killed their selves. You did, you killed them with your cruel words and mocking pictures.

Love…such a funny word. Isn’t it funny to you how people claim to love you and this same people stab you not only in the back but right from the front? With the same mouth that they claim to love you, the very same they use in cursing you into oblivion and spreading tales about you. The same hand that held yours in ‘love’ as you walked home from school is the very same that spreads notes about you saying,’ Sandra is a whore. She doesn’t deserve to be among us.’ The holier than thou people, the do-gooders, the righteous-than-you, are the killers. It doesn’t matter how much you try to explain that you didn’t willingly have sex with the man but was raped. They ask you why you allowed yourself to be. Didn’t you go with your Taser? Where was your pepper spray? What about those defensive kung-fu moves we practised? On and on they go and don’t pay attention to what you are trying to say, how you are hurting, just how broken you are…just how much they are killing you. You cannot confide in your parents, no, they’d scream it to the rooftops demanding justice and your friends? It’s a no-no; they put the blame on you. There is nothing in this world; certainly no one worth trusting or loving. I’m tired. I’ve heard of the great beyond and how there is rest. I need rest, my soul is broken. My spirit is weary…perhaps it’s time to leave?
He was my friend, an uncle to me; someone who looked out for me, someone I could talk to. He knew when I had problem with maths at school and he tutored me. He knew about my talent for singing and my desire to be a musician later, someone better than Jackson himself. He had seen my videos on YouTube; was there when I recorded most; even helped to upload some. He was a friend and a companion. He had said we could make a video; we could make a cover photo for my albums that’d soon be out. I told him I was not making an album anytime soon but he convinced me it was just a way of preparing for the big thing and so after school that day, I went to his place and against my will, took pictures with different poses he dictated. The next week, my pictures were on the net and he had disappeared. I became the subject of ridicule and people, even my friends turned their backs on me. That was several years back and the shame and ridiculing hasn’t stopped. No, it hasn’t and so I decided to make a video explaining myself, hoping the world would offer a listening ear and somehow my wrong could be made right. Perhaps if they knew I was coerced into doing what I did, they could be lenient? The curses and swearing could reduce, I could walk to school and back without having people scream and try to beat me up…perhaps, I could learn to find my shattered dreams and put them back together again. If only the world would love…not just with mouth but deeds. If only the world could love me enough to understand and not judge…

These are the profiles of victims who simply need our love and nothing short of it. People don’t go ‘mental’ or ‘suicidal’ in a day. It’s a process. Today, Write Paragraphs relates with victims of oppression of any form and offers a loving hand. We promise to do what we can to make the world a better place, somewhere safe, where peace and love abounds. If you have any cases of victims of oppressions and any form of bullying, we’ll write against it, we’ll spread the word in our own corner and extend our love, touching, healing, and loving all the way.
The world apologizes on behalf of the animals in human clothing it inhabits. We apologize because we failed you. We are sorry for the insults and the bullying when all you needed was love to make right the wrongs of one man, and those who broke your hopes and dreams. We are sorry. I want you to know that you have opened our eyes to see our selfishness and the hatred our ‘love’ is filled with. We will keep your legacy alive, we will not stop this fight we have started against cyber bullying, paedophiles, oppression of any form and from now on, we will truly love each other, we will stand up for our friends, we will demand justice on wicked ones…we will fight suicidal tendencies. Do not worry, we will keep you alive. You woke us up; you inspired and still inspire us. We will, as long as we live we will, we will make the world a better place, preaching courage, protecting rights, helping people, touching, healing…making the world better than you left it. We love you, now and always.
#AmandaToddLegacy #LightUpPurple #WorldMentalHealthDay

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